T minus 14

So I keep circling like a dog looking for a place to either pee or lay down. I can't tell. I'm just that excited.  Many of you know that I've had a really shitty winter and spring for so many reasons and I'm looking forward to some "get away" time and "adventure" time and "go see the unknown" time.   I feel like the stresses in my life are going to make my aorta burst and I know of three folks  (and perhaps a dozen who I think this applies to) who would absolutely just think that was the best thing in the world to happen.

Tough shit... I'm not going anywhere soon so you're all stuck with me and my life changing journey.

Now back on topic.  I don't get to go on vacations. I'm a full time mom/wife (yes to two different beings), have a full time job, and run a horse farm. It's an act of fucking congress to get out of here.  Yet I think it's all falling into place. Like some psychotic cozmo's (pun intended).   I've done ALL the prep I can do on my bike. I even left it out in the rain on purpose to wash it. I know, but come on, when else was it going to clean itself?   Bad choice. Now my cb has decided it wants to take a dirt nap.  I can hear everything but I can't say anything.  I actually think there's maybe nothing wrong with it but the rest of my "posse" came over and sabotaged it so that they wouldn't hear me jabber on for hours on the trip.    We'll see if we can fix this over the weekend.  If not, I'll look really ridiculous riding my bike with a megaphone yelling "hey Goldwing riders. I know you don't need to stop but I NEED GAS".

Truly and honestly. I'm embracing to my deepest fiber the idea of meeting my birth mother.  I cannot wait until I can get off my bike in Boulder, MT and just say "Honey... I'm Home!" (well maybe not those words but you get it).  I want to know my roots, my heritage and utmost just hug the living hell out of such an unselfish woman who gave birth to me.  I don't think she has any clue how important she is. I can't even begin to understand the anguish she must have felt giving up her baby and wondering for 28+ years if I had lived or died.

This July I am taking more time off than I have ever taken in my whole entire working career.  I think it will feel like when I was a kid in summertime.  First a trip with my family to Basin Harbor Club in Vt to preemptively celebrate birthdays and a semi family reunion type thing.  Then I come home, have three days to pack and then I'm off for my journey.

Have I mentioned I can't sit still?  I just can't wait to see new things, learn new things; hell I'll even try the rocky mountain oysters if that's what's going on .. You know. .When in Rome!!

I've never seen big sky. I've never seen canyons. I've never seen prairie dogs, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Glacier, Niagara, etc.   Oh and have I mentioned I've never seen the SPAM museum?   again.. When in Rome!  

So the joke on SPAM is that we are staying one night in the hometown of SPAM. It also happens to be the night that I buy dinner for everyone.  SPAM smoothies  for all!

seriously folks.  I can't contain myself any longer.  I'm jumping out of my shoes (or perhaps  they are SPAM sandals)

In the beginning

We're always evolving, changing, growing. What if you had a part of your foundation of your life that was unknown. That you felt that part may play a part in your "formatting"? That you can't understand certain things that you are drawn to, or why you are the way you are about other things.

I grew up a very privileged life. My family had always told me I was adopted so that I would be comfortable with that. It was always told to me that I was "chosen" and "wanted". I lived in a large house in Darien, CT, had horses growing up, and was allowed to let the equestrian passion carry into my every day life from the time I was 8 years ago up until now. But there's just some things I didn't (and still don't) get. How does a girl who grew up in a very white collar environment, have every monetary advantage ever asked for given to her, go to the best private schools, end up living in a renovated barn in a bedroom community of MA. Growing up I lived in 4000+ square feet of spoiled exaggerated and quietly exploited wealth. Why do I chose to life the way i live now?. How is it horses are such a large part of my life when none of my family growing up shared that passion?

And where the hell did motorcycles come from? SERIOUSLY! Where I grew up it was beamers, porches, ferraris, and mercedes. NOT MOTORCYCLES. Unless you were Paul Newman (who lived nearby).When I was 8, my neighbor, Mr. Lane, had a Goldwing and took me out for a ride down Hollow Tree Ridge Road and Cherry Lane in Darien. I had my pony club riding helmet on and I fell in love instantly with the wind in my hair. I realize now that I am a high adrenaline junkie. Love galloping and jumping horses, climbing trees, riding bikes and mixed martial arts.

I don't think twice to breaking a nail while changing the oil on my bike, and I wear my bruises from MMA with pride. I show them off to my coworkers at the Norfolk Police Dept.

For my work I am an animal control officer and a special police officer. I chase rabid animals and kill them. I go to calls where people are ready to kill someone about something. I get bit by dogs, I pick up lost pets and keep them safe until their owners can come get them, and in some cases I take people's animals away because of something they did or didn't do to or for them. I protect people from animal problems and I protect animals from people problems. I'm pretty good at it apparently since I was named Animal Control Officer of the year for the State of MA. I've seen animals drown, burn, freeze to death, hit by car, hit by train, and shot. If I can offer ANY love before or during their time of pain then I've done what I can do. Deer hit by car rarely die instantly. Usually it's their legs and they try like hell to leave the area because that's their instinct. Some know that I'm going to put them out of their misery. Some are frantic. If I can pet the sweet spot on their head,right between their eyes (the most vulnerable spot on a deer), it will put them at ease. They instantly relax. It makes the next step easier on everyone. Now don't anyone try this... They can also bite you , and strike you with their front legs (even if they're broken). How did I become an animal control officer? Why? Sure the job was posted, but why did I even think to try out for it?

Something drew me to motorcycles, animals, and law enforcement. It certainly wasn't my lifestyle growing up.

Short answer: My birth mother loves sheep, and wrote an agricultural newspaper about sheep ranching, and is a youth corrections officer. My birth father was very known to law enforcement (chuckle) and LOVED motorcycles.. loved to steal them and loved to ride them (more chuckling).

I had my only son in 1998. I was going through a lot of changes in my life and having a child made me wonder if I had any health risks with me that were genetic and perhaps I should try to go find my genetic past. I placed a call to the adoption agency and they responded that with $1000 they would send me all the non identifying information about my birth family.

I received a packet in the mail. My name at birth had been "Barbara". I learned some info about my genetic material but what stood out the most was that I learned my mother was only 15 years old when she was pregnant. WOW. She has to be the strongest young lady ever to be 1, pregnant, 2, living in a time where that is not socially acceptable, 3. she was shipped off during her pregnancy to not stain the family's name, 4. give up a baby that she carried for that long and just walk away.... Just walk away... Never know what happened. And she could have easily aborted me.

I wanted to thank her. That's what this whole thing is about. And I have always wanted to do this before I turn 40.

Guess what... We found each other 12 years ago on line. We've spoken on the phone, we email back and forth. We've mailed each other pictures. I'm going to meet her on my 40th birthday this year.

This blog is going to be an emotional pilgrimage into the adopted child's mind. I will talk about what it's like to be adopted and the process of how we found each other. This blog is also intended to show my physical pilgrimage. I am embarking on a two week motorcycle journey with three friends of mine to go meet her (yes, she knows we're coming!). We'll be riding the highways, several hundred miles a day, taking steam ships across lake Michigan, riding through the badlands, going through Canada, visiting different national treasures along the way and seeing things that I've never seen before. I was always afraid to travel as a child. I always wanted to stay home. Silly as it was, it was because I didn't want someone to leave me behind again. I knew the people that loved me would eventually come home. I missed a lot of trips with my family to Italy, France, etc because I was just afraid. My life now is wonderful, stable, and enriched. My husband is supportive and strong. He encourages me to grow. To spread those wings, be all I can be (insert rolling eyes at sarcasm here).

We leave July 14th from Massachusetts to go to Montana.

There's so much to prepare for... 99 days away.

You'll hear about the folks I'm travelling with. They'll post along the way as well. I'm sure with embarrassing pictures of me, perhaps me sleepwalking through hotels which I am known to do. You'll probably also hear from my family members as well. I have a sibling who is adopted as well and sometimes he can explain things way better than I ever can.